ARIES: On Thursday you reset your iPhone calendar to 1/1/1970 and accidentally end up with big, bushy sideburns and medium-level racism.
TAURUS: It’s so cold over the coming week that you don’t move from under your duvet, which certainly makes the trip to IKEA more varied and interesting.
GEMINI: Kanye West is also a Gemini, and boy, have you guys been having an up-and-down time of it! Maybe Tweet less?
CANCER: While you consider yourself more of a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you’re hungry enough.
LEO: You’ll find yourself trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative at work, or have an original thought of your own.
VIRGO: A big gravitational wave passing through your sign makes you feel slow, bloated, and stuck to the sofa. Basically, it’s PMS, but on a cosmic scale.
LIBRA: Just discreetly mention your star sign when boarding any Cathay Pacific flight to be instantly upgraded to first class. If it doesn’t work the first time, yell it louder.
SCORPIO: You love Vietnamese street food, art-house cinema, and big boobs, though not in that order.
SAGITTARIUS: Vote for Nobody! Nobody will keep election promises! Nobody will listen to your concerns! Nobody cares! If Nobody gets elected, things will be better for everybody! Nobody tells the truth.
CAPRICORN: Elvis, J. Edgar Hoover and Minnie Mouse were all Capricorns, and they were all pretty similar personalities, so this stars malarkey is definitely worth paying attention to.
AQUARIUS: Being infallible, God is probably an Aquarius. This would make Satan a Leo.
PISCES: Some of your best friends are pink. Given the fact they’re all imaginary, they can basically be any color you want.
For more from Sadie go to http://www.sadiekaye.tv and the Miss Adventure site: https://missadventurerthk.com
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