ARIES: It’s a great month for you financially because you were born with money.
TAURUS: Exercise may seem like a dirty word, but until you lose some weight fatty, it’s the dirtiest word you’re going to get.
GEMINI: Your plan to eat healthier by having cereal for breakfast fails when you realise most carbohydrates are a lot more complex than you are.
CANCER: You’re sick of being a crab with an unpleasant name. Why isn’t there a bear star sign?
LEO: This month you will pre-order the new iPhone. Repeat this horoscope every 12 months until you die.
VIRGO: You will finally admit you’re middle-aged, when you sing along to Velvet Underground’s Waiting For The Man and think about your wild mushroom supplier.
LIBRA: As the most balanced of all the star signs, you’ve realized that arguing with strangers on social media is a bit like wrestling with a pig. Sexy.
SCORPIO: It’s been some time since you nourished your spiritual side, so why not light some candles, adopt a relaxing position, take some deep breaths, and watch Nuns On The Run?
SAGITTARIUS: You’ll celebrate the announcement of a new Indiana Jones movie by smashing every single camera in the world.
CAPRICORN: You’re kicked out of Weight Watchers for innocently asking why they’re not called Chubby Checkers.
AQUARIUS: A party goes badly, as you learn you can’t claim diplomatic immunity to get out of a game of Diplomacy.
PISCES: Your crystal is quartz, your spirit animal is a seahorse, your aura color is aquamarine, and your Amex card has been declined. I’m gonna need cash.
For more from Sadie go to http://www.sadiekaye.tv and the Miss Adventure site: https://missadventurerthk.com
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