Time Traveller Jay Oatway returns with the One Simple Trick of Getting Your Novel Published! (And editors hate him!)
The Writer’s Gauntlet with Sadie Kaye is a regular column at The Hooghly Review. This article is being reprinted with The Review’s permission.
SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
JO: Good luck to them. I have thousands of tabs screaming at me across three monitors. Six of them are currently playing lo-fi beats at the same time. The only thing that closes them is when my geriatric PC spontaneously crashes, which I treat as a merciful act of God. It’s like a forest fire clearing out the old growth so new saplings of terrible ideas can spring forth.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
Have we ever seen Trump pray? Or spray anything other than aerosol tan? So… I guess I’ll take door number one. I feel that the sniper metaphor is going to be important in this interview.
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
Scone. Skawn? Skown? Who knows? Also, some debate as to whether the jam or cream goes on first.
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
I’d need to know more about your Happy Ending colony. Is it like a dystopian prison? How many happy endings do I have to endure each day? Probably best not to find out. So, if they are suing me, I guess I’ll lawyer up. See you in court!
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale? Can you please replace the wrong question with the correct one?
Firstly, let me tell you the secret to killing your darlings: it is totally acceptable to weep while you do it. It’s cathartic. After a while, killing just gets easier. Or so I’m told.
Secondly, I’d like to kill all attributions. All quotation marks too. Look, you’ve really got me in a murderous mood now.
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
The only rule to character names is that they must all begin with a different letter. There’s a special place in hell for writers who break that rule.
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
Time Traveller Returns With The One Simple Trick Of Getting Your Novel Published! (And Editors Hate Him!)
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
If I could take a time machine back through history, I would use it to wipe out all mentions of time machines. Which of course would eventually strand me in the past because without the stories, then my time machine would cease to exist. But the prevention of future plot holes in sci-fi would be worth it.
Do your protagonists guide you toward the light, or sit on your shoulder whispering, ‘Kill the mentor, kill the mentor’?
Mostly they beg me not to make them engage in dialogue, yet again, with some inanimate object.
But, as they are now apparently suing me for emotional distress, my lawyer has advised me not to discuss this case before trial.
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
Times New Roman. Because it was once used by The New York Times, which makes me feel like I’m writing from the Big Apple. And because it says ‘New’ in the title, and new equals good. And because men like to think about the Roman Empire — a lot. If I hadn’t destroyed all the time machines I’d definitely go back for a visit.
Jay’s book “Mastering Story, Community and Influence: How to Use Social Media to Become a Socialeader” is published by Wiley
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
I have a large salt shaker, full of commas, on my desk, for whenever I feel a sentence, might, maybe, need a bit of spicing up, and I will really, really, really shake it, like everywhere, and on everything, liberally.
Plotter or Pantser?
Plantsing. It’s the fudge-vanilla swirl of writing, and the only true method. If a writer tells you otherwise, they are lying, or trying to sell you an expensive masterclass.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
I often write in York, the most haunted city on earth. I’m convinced that ghosts mess with the Wi-Fi there.
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
Less when it should be fewer. Also hung when it should be hanged. If we hanged all the writers who abused these words, there would be fewer bad writers. And maybe I’d be less hung up on it.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Time-travel editor/assassin. With expense account.
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
The last. Fewer readers will get that far.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
I’ve been ‘in-progress’ since the fall of the Roman Empire. But I’ve heard rumours there’s a status beyond that. If only we had time machines to go and find out.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
I once found a gecko frozen solid inside my fridge. I took him out, put him in the sun, and watched him re-animate like a tiny, scaly Frankenstein. Until a butterfly survives my fridge, I’m Team Gecko.
Upstairs at the House of Trembling Madness in York
If you could teleport, but only to places you’ve tripped and fallen, where are you tripping?
Up the stairs of the House of Trembling Madness in York. Home to Romans, highwaymen, witches, ghosts, intermittent wifi, and a large selection of cask ales.
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
More like a sweaty marathon runner grasping their knees at a red light and gasping for oxygen.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
The only way to keep alert on ether is to do up a lot of amyls—not all at once, but steadily, just enough to maintain the focus at 90 miles an hour through Barstow.
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
The old drugs, please. However, once you get locked into a serious drug collection, or library for that matter, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
When I’m writing in full flow-state, I cease to exist in a physical state. It’s just me and the universe, at one. But I probably still look like a gargoyle.
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
Chaos Desk or Aesthetic Nook?
Chaos Nook. Cozy, intimate. Also, assorted knick-knacks, Roman artifacts, ghost detectors, a sniper rifle, parts from a defunct time machine, and a large saltshaker of commas.
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star review that says ‘It was fine’?
My stories are therapy, maybe more for me than my readers. No refunds if you take the ride and don’t like the forced consciousness expansion.
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
Can’t you tell that I’m a weaponized interrobang!? I am the literary equivalent of yelling “Who authorized this?!” into a black hole.
Would you rather commit bookish blasphemy by dog-earring the pages of a rare first edition or reading the ending of every book before you start chapter one?
Why not do both!? Dog-ear, it’s not a crime. Who uses bookmarks!? I also read endings first: someone needs to check for typos…
Who is your ultimate nemesis: the person who types ‘k’ as a full response or the person who leaves 1 second left on the microwave?
I love those who know how to stop a microwave before it beeps and alerts the guards.
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
I already spend an hour everyday as a fox 🦊
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
Breakfast for dinner gives me a second opportunity each day to perfect my signature ‘Tacomelette’. Someday I’ll open a Bed & Breakfast, and people will travel far and wide to feast on taco meat folded inside an egg. They will even order it for dinner, which will make us a Bed & Breakfast for Dinner.
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
Did I not mention that I know how to write short stories!?
JAY OATWAY – YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITER’S GAUNTLET!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Think you’ve got what it takes to ride The Writer’s Gauntlet? Email or (preferably) DM Sadie on IG @KayeSadie @TheHooghlyReview
Jay writes weird stuff. Or maybe weird stuff is writing him. He spends a lot of time in a perpetual state of jet lag. Even when he’s not travelling. Especially when he’s not travelling.
Jay’s weird slipstream blend of fiction has recently appeared in Elegant Literature, The Weather Reports and The Apostrophe. In 2025 he was a finalist for the Writers of the Future Award.
He has authored a non-fiction book about digital life (published by Wiley), has twice served as editor for the Hong Kong Writers Circle anthology (Score and Coming of Age), and has worked as a developmental editor on novels for other authors (Paper Plane and Dead People Problems).
Jay splits his time between Hong Kong and the UK, drawing forbidden powers from the alternate reality of jetlag. You can find his stories on his Substack: https://portension.com
https://www.instagram.com/jayoatway/ @jayoatway
https://www.facebook.com/jay.oatway
https://portension.substack.com
https://hk.linkedin.com/in/oatway
Sadie Kaye is a writer & performer from Sai Kung, Hong Kong. Her humour, fiction, rants & reviews have appeared in the South China Morning Post, Cha: An Asian Literary Journal, The Hooghly Review, Buzz & many anthologies. Her humour column for RTHK Radio 3, Sharp Pains, received nominations for Best Comedy from the New York Festivals Radio Awards and Moment of Comedy Gold from the International Women’s Podcast Awards in 2022 & 2023. She won the Comedy Women in Print Prize for Flash Fiction in 2024. She’s a producer for Contro Vento Films. Her most recent film, To Love A Narcissist, was released in North America on 19 May 2026 and will soon be available worldwide.
Her life motto is you’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
She can be found at https://sadiekaye.tv
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