January 2019 Horoscopes by RTHK Radio 3’s ‘Miss Adventure’: Friend To The Stars

ARIES:  Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources, even if she was in labour with you for 38 hours.

TAURUS: Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret PLA project?

GEMINI: Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic.

CANCER: When your lover starts wearing more clothes to go to bed than to go to work, it’s a good sign that your happiness is close to being expunged. This month will see the start of such bizarre occurrences.

LEO: Historically, Leo has always been associated with greatness. Many of history’s most powerful figures were born in Leo. Famous Leos include: Scooby Doo, Napoleon and the MTR.

VIRGO: Don’t blame Christmas. You were fat in November.

LIBRA: It’s simply not true that nice Dr. Loo would allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You’ll be dead, all right!

SCORPIO: Although the majority of those born in Scorpio are so-so people, like any star sign or McDonald’s meal, there are always a few rancid nuggets. If you yourself are a murderous psychopath, you will already know this to be true because even if you weren’t born in Scorpio, the voices in your head were.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t get caught out without a complete set of dental picks.

CAPRICORN: You’re not usually one to brag, but you haven’t had a mood-swing in, like, minutes!

AQUARIUS: You thought true love would last forever, but you’re shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below all the consumer warnings.

PISCES: Fly by the seat of your pants this month, or go commando and sink like the Star Ferry at 8pm on Tuesday.