ARIES: Expect that horrifying moment when you’re looking for an adult, but then realise that you are one.
TAURUS: You’ll feel cheated when you discover there’s no law that says you have to be nice to smelly old ladies.
GEMINI: Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never once tried to contact us.
CANCER: Your shocking decision to pose nude in Post Magazine may not have created such a stir had you bothered to ask the editor’s permission first.
LEO: You’ve raised six wonderful kids, endured fourteen years of marriage, started a successful business as a mumtrepreneur, and got all that business with Trump off your chest, but you’ll soon discover there are some things that duct tape just can’t solve.
VIRGO: You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which has less to do with the quality of the former and more to do with the brevity of the latter.
LIBRA: Smuggling narcotics is a delicate art. Next time, try a stuffed monkey, instead of a live one.
SCORPIO: Action and adventure await you this month, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
SAGITTARIUS: It’s difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should’ve been a no-brainer.
CAPRICORN: You’ll fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior when you discover what a hoot that sort of thing is.
AQUARIUS: They say you have the grace of a ballet dancer and the agility of a gymnast. After that, it’s pretty much just mean-spirited laughter.
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