On cruise-liners the standard joke goes that the biggest excitement is daily betting on how many geriatrics will pass on in the next 24 hours. Doubtlessly that will happen, the deaths that is, on the Nieuw Statendam, a cruise-liner only seven months old, but you will never know. The medical centre and presumably a big fridge are in the bowels of the ship.
We liked the Statendam very much. A seven-day cruise in and out of the fjords of Norway was an all-round delight. It must be obvious this is not a PR piece; we paid for our tickets.
A steward came to make up our “stateroom” at least twice a day. At night you come back to your cabin and he has fashioned towels in the shape of an animal with buttons for eyes, a pig, dog, elephant. On the last night we were amused to find the steward had left a monkey made of towels suspended from a coat hanger for us. Charming. That is until you see your bill at the end of the cruise. You have been charged US$14.50 every time the steward entered your cabin. Everything on the Statendam is a profit centre. But don’t knock it. The whole experience is professional and very entertaining.
The Piano Bar pulled us in. Two grand pianos, curved bits mated, sit in the centre of an encircling bar. The pianists belt out 60s, 70s, 80s music nightly. They’re a double act, stimulating each other to ever greater crescendos. One of the blokes pounding the keys sings in a falsetto voice, so camp you think he must be gay. Until you see him in a restaurant off duty with a gorgeous girl. The Rolling Stone Rock Room is nearby with a rock ‘n ‘roll band contracted for the cruise performing. A bit further along Deck 2 there is the Lincoln Stage where people, some well lubricated, are jiving to BB King’s Blues Band.
The World Stage theatre fills the Statendam’s entire bow. It seats 650. An English comedian gets them laughing with ribald jokes. Three black Americans energetically sing and dance. They’re synchronised, almost joined at the hip, doing “Mr Bojangles” memorably. Here on the World Stage on the last cruise day the Captain gives a briefing on the new ship. He shows the crowded theatre videos on 270-degree screens of the inner workings of the cruise liner. It is 935 ft long, 99500 gross tons and accommodates 2650 passengers. The Nieuw Statendam is unlikely to make you seasick. It has stabilisers, little wings that stick out from the hull below the waterline that counter rolling. As Captain Sybe de Boer, Holland American Line’s senior officer for Pinnacle class ships, tells it life for the crew is good. The waiting, cooking and room make-up staff are mostly Indonesian and Filipino. They sleep two a cabin and are on contract to work on the ship for nine months seven days a week, one crew member told us. At the end of the contract they can go home with money in their pockets and if Holland America is satisfied with them, a new contract on a different ship will arrive. If you know of a domestic helper who hates her work and speaks good English, this is an option for her.
In a short review we are not going to tell you everything that is attractive about this state-of-the-art ship. Except this: expect to get fat. Or fatter. The Lido Deck is the main buffet-style restaurant with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the sea or the Norwegian fjords and their waterfalls some of the time. How can you pass up the cheese cakes, chocolates cakes, ice creams and blue runny cheeses so stinky they’re a delight? This restaurant is free, you have paid for it with your ticket. Others such as the Pinnacle Grill — if you like fawning obsequious service — cost extra.
One sour note: my wife reckons gas in the World Stage made her ill, mildly. Don’t let that put you off. Cruising on the Nieuw Statendam is a marvellous, memorable experience.
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