The Writer’s Gauntlet with Sadie Kaye is a regular column at The Hooghly Review. This article is being reprinted with The Review’s permission.
SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
JLWG: Look, I already told him, that’s just what antelopes do. He should lay off the sauce. But if you’re giving away weighted blankets, I’ll take two.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
Those are similes, not metaphors. Except that last guy, he’s a metaphorical shitbird.
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
Not a word, but a phrase: Prix fixe. I will never French that properly.
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
Sue me, obviously, as I have written an army of lawyers specifically for this contingency.
Would you rather delete your favourite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
This is a false dichotomy; my favourite 5,000-word chapter consists solely of ejaculations.
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
It’s “Lord Cumin” you troglodyte.
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
Anything-to-lovers. This includes friends-to-lovers, enemies-to-lovers, psychopaths-to-lovers, shirtless-dudes-to-cat-ladies-to lovers…
Do your protagonists guide you toward the light, or sit on your shoulder whispering, ‘Kill the mentor, kill the mentor’?
My current protagonist is basking in the sunshine of an alcoholic haze on a private island full of potential murderers so… both?
If your WIP characters were ghosts, would they help you find your keys or rearrange your furniture to match the mess in your head?
Oh, to ghost the keys of davenports uninterrupted!
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
I write exclusively in Posthumanist Grotesque Light so the answer should be apparent.
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
The Oxford comma was officially standardised in Horace Hart’s Rules for Compositors and Readers, further solidified in F. Howard Collins’s Author & Printer, and is utilised more frequently by the Americans than the English, even though Oxford is an English university. This is all to say: the Oxford comma is a British revenge plot for losing the Revolutionary War.
Plotter or Pantser?
Pantser—pants optional.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
I have no writing ritual. I am a literary savage.
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
Love.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Love.
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
I prefer to sprinkle them liberally throughout the text, to keep the reader on their toes.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
As I am most familiar with the ‘rejected’ status I respectfully decline to answer.
What cartoon character best represents your ride or die? (Alternatively explain why ‘ride or die’ makes you go feral)
Mr. Magoo.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
See prior answer re: Antelopes.
If you could teleport, but only to places you’ve tripped and fallen, where are you tripping?
I have fallen upstairs exactly twice and feel this is the preferred way to time-travel.
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
Blinking, judgmental, apoplectic before noon.
What’s the last thing you researched that has probably put you on a government watchlist?
Freedom.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
Only a philistine would call the sweet revelation that is bourbon “liquor.”
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
If I had any darlings, I would most certainly kill them, and if Dave said otherwise, he can go fuck himself.
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
Old, old, forever old, give me the decaying flesh of words that I might smell the feet of God.
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
Joãowow Lucas Survives Near-Fatal Choking By Much Better Writer
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
Like all the greats, I write perched on the laps of the human gargoyles before me.
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
Pleather shoe Happy clam Albino rainbow
One word you’ve banned from your vocab because you’ve overused it?
And.
‘Fight Club’ author Chuck Palahniuk gives his verdict on Joãowow Lucas effort
‘Chaos Desk’ or ‘Aesthetic Nook’?
By god, you’re really getting personal now.
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star review that says ‘It was fine’?
“I changed life for the worse” is my aspirational epitaph.
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
I am interrobang?!
Would you rather commit bookish blasphemy by dog-earring the pages of a rare first edition or reading the ending of every book before you start chapter one?
Now you’re just being facetious, dog-earing is a sign of true love.
In a post-apocalyptic world, is your primary contribution navigating by the stars or knowing which snacks stay edible the longest?
Definitely navigating the snacks.
Who is your ultimate nemesis: the person who types ‘K’ as a full response or the person who leaves 1 second left on the microwave?
Did you know that all those unused microwave seconds add time to your life? It’s science!
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
God damn it, how many times do I need to tell you about antelopes?!
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
Breakfast for dinner is a majestic eagle in edible form.
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
Bribing spiders.
Joãowow Lucas – You have passed The Writer’s Gauntlet!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Think you’ve got what it takes to ride The Writer’s Gauntlet? Email or (preferably) DM Sadie on IG @KayeSadie
Joãowow Lucas is a writer/artist/musician/recovering filmmaker living in Lisbon, Portugal. Originally from North Carolina, he lived in San Francisco for 30+ glorious years. AKA: JH Lucas, Jonny Effing Lucas, Jonny Don’t. He looks for the “wow” in everything. That’s how he ended up here. Where is he again? “I cheated at this test with wine”.
https://www.instagram.com/jhlucas03
https://www.facebook.com/jhlucas03
Sadie Kaye is a writer & performer from Sai Kung, Hong Kong. Her humour, fiction, rants & reviews have appeared in the South China Morning Post, Cha: An Asian Literary Journal, The Hooghly Review, Buzz & many anthologies. Her humour column for RTHK Radio 3, Sharp Pains, received nominations for Best Comedy from the New York Festivals Radio Awards and Moment of Comedy Gold from the International Women’s Podcast Awards in 2022 & 2023. She won the Comedy Women in Print Prize for Flash Fiction in 2024. She’s a producer for Contro Vento Films. Her most recent film, To Love A Narcissist, was released in North America on 19 May 2026 and will soon be available worldwide.
Her life motto is you’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
She can be found at https://sadiekaye.tv
Be the first to comment