The Writer’s Gauntlet with Sadie Kaye is a regular column at The Hooghly Review. This article is being reprinted with The Review’s permission.
Julian Lyden – with marrow
SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
JL: I keep looking at my Substack subscribers and wondering which false friend just unsubscribed.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
I like to imagine that I’m a sculptor with a fresh block of granite. I size it up, walk around it a few times, and then get overwhelmed and go and make some tea. I measure my tea consumption in hours, not cups.
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
Lord Beauchamp (“Beecham”) took a Brougham (“Broom”) to Worcestershire (I give up).
If your main character sued you for emotional distress and gross negligence, would you win the case or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
I’m still trying to overcome the urge to give everyone exactly what they deserve, so I’d be facing the death penalty.
Do your protagonists guide you toward the light, or sit on your shoulder whispering, ‘Kill the mentor, kill the mentor’?
Sadie, you do not know the power of the dark side. The mentor HAS to die.
Would you rather delete your favourite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
I just recorded a podcast based on my experience editing an anthology of short fiction. ‘Never, ever, describe speech using anything other than “said,”’ I opined. (I just set up a publisher with my Friend Jonathan, and that’s going to be a house rule.)
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
I usually borrow names from the authors on my bookshelf, so I end up with characters called things like Hunter S. Le Carre, and Philip K. Grisham.
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
A character gets a call telling them to turn on the TV. Incredibly, they’re able to find the remote control and get to the right channel in time to watch the entire expository news segment. Realism dies there.
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
Garamond all the way.
Julian with his friend Jonathon
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
Oxford commas are like cufflinks on a dress shirt – not strictly necessary, but nice.
Plotter or Pantser?
I’m writing a whodunnit at the moment. I need to plot it out otherwise I can’t remember everybody’s motives and which one actually did it and what they did it with.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
I love the Pomodoro technique. Divide the day up into 25-minute blocks so you can have a break for tea between procrastination sessions.
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
Can I have a phrase? ‘Up close and personal’ makes me retch. If you’re up close, intimacy is implied. Stop double-spacing my agony.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Full-time avian convalescence officer. I rescued an injured bird some time ago. The animal shelter released him after he had healed up. It still makes me happy. I’d like to do that full time. It brings me more joy than a royalty cheque. I’d happily spend my days nursing sparrows back to health and ignoring my deadlines.
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
Definitely the last. If it’s in the first sentence, readers immediately know they’re in unsafe hands. If it’s at the end, they can assume it’s a profound bohemian stylistic choice.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
It’s the hope that kills you, so maybe just ‘received’. Give me dead finality over psychological warfare any day.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
Imagine how much joy you would get from a hybrid!
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
I’ve reached that age when I need to increase the size of the cursor so I can find it on the page. It’s less judging, more pitying.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
If any of the above are within reach when I’m working, I will devour them without noticing. I try to keep treats in a different room so I can enjoy my rewards mindfully.
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
Hopelessly sentimental. Left to my own devices, I’d give the villain a redemption arc, a banana split and a hug. I need a cold-blooded killer editor to step in and tell me exactly who to execute.
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
The older and funkier the better.
Your biography as a clickbait headline?
17 types of feedback you should never give senior colleagues if you want to be successful.
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
Good posture is a myth invented by chiropractors.
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
Sunglasses face, disco dancer, face-palm. (A confident entrance, a moment of flair, followed by deep existential regret.)
‘Chaos Desk’ or ‘Aesthetic Nook’?
Constant pendulum between the two.
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star review that says ‘It was fine’?
I’d just be stoked to get a review.
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
I don’t think I’ve ever knowingly used an exclamation point! Wait, damn it.
Would you rather commit bookish blasphemy by dog-earring the pages of a rare first edition or reading the ending of every book before you start chapter one?
I can usually forget a plot-spoiler through sheer cognitive decline, but there’s no coming back from a damaged spine. Creasing a spine is a felony in my book.
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
I choose the fat warm cat, dreaming about being a majestic hawk.
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
All-day every day for me, please.
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
My toes click when I walk, ruining my chances of becoming a stealthy cat burglar, a professional ballroom dancer or creeping up on my family. It’s a terrible superpower. I sound like Fred Astaire knitting.
JULIAN LYDEN – YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITERS GAUNTLET!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Think you’ve got what it takes to ride The Writer’s Gauntlet? Email or (preferably) DM Sadie on IG @KayeSadie @TheHooghlyReview
Julian started writing his first novel in 1992. As a testament to the triumph of hope over expectation, he still has the floppy disk containing it.
Last year he co-edited the Hong Kong Writers Circle’s annual collection, Coming of Age. This year he will be working with dozens of talented writers on an edition entitled Doubles. He has completed a book of short stories about his home town, Hong Kong, which he is hoping to publish later this year and he is working on a whodunnit. Progress would be much quicker if he could remember which of the characters actually dunnit. His main literary ambition is to hang out with other writers, learn from them, and improve a little with each project. To that end, he is the process of setting up a publishing company, Inbound Books, with his friend, Jonathan. IG: @inbound_outbound_books
His Substack, @julianlyden, is a motley collection of short stories, reflections on life in Hong Kong, and odd passion projects, like adjudicating between Marmite and Vegemite. Subscribers are always welcome.
Sadie Kaye is a writer & performer from Sai Kung, Hong Kong. Her humour, fiction, rants & reviews have appeared in the South China Morning Post, Cha: An Asian Literary Journal, The Hooghly Review, Buzz & many anthologies. Her humour column for RTHK Radio 3, Sharp Pains, received nominations for Best Comedy from the New York Festivals Radio Awards and Moment of Comedy Gold from the International Women’s Podcast Awards in 2022 & 2023. She won the Comedy Women in Print Prize for Flash Fiction in 2024. She’s a producer for Contro Vento Films. Her most recent film, To Love A Narcissist, was released in North America on 19 May 2026 and will soon be available worldwide.
She can be found at https://sadiekaye.tv
Her life motto is you’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
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