The Writer’s Gauntlet with Sadie Kaye is a regular column at The Hooghly Review. This article is being reprinted with The Review’s permission.
SK: Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
DD: I like my books to smell like the rotten flowers on the graves of my enemies. That or lavender.
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
A Happy Ending colony sounds sexually exciting but morally dubious.
My narrators’ stubbornness causes the problems that comprise their plots so they can’t blame me for their emotional distress. See: “The Case of the Missing Butt Cheek” and “Chuck and Dougie Hobble Down Memory Lane.”
Considering how long it takes me to finish a 3,000 word short story, my narrators can sue me for gross negligence. My sci-fi comedy story “Infinite in a Narrow Circle” took six months to get together and then a year to get published in Black Sheep’s latest issue, probably because it’s about UFOs, DMT, and GAD. Relatable content, for sure.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
I spray and pray until something bobs to the surface gasping for air. My attempts at precision strikes have all had as much success as the precision strikes on the pedophile-in-chief. My short story “Bright Purple Like Nothing Mattered” started as random thoughts from an anxious spy and grew into a beautiful tragedy.
Would you rather delete your favorite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
“The latter,” Dan Dellechiaie ejaculated.
My novel, blue boy, that I’m querying right now did lose multiple great 5,000+ word chapters. Some friends have never forgiven me for removing them. The deletions will continue until I get agent representation. You can save a novel today with a onetime donation of $6,000,000.
If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
I’d be arrested ASAP. I’d also be thrown in prison where if I don’t turn my wire-frame glasses into a shiv quick enough, a fellow prisoner named Jimbo is gonna make me his boo thang.
They’d immediately fast-track my application to a high-security government watchlist. I already share a last name with a guy who threatened the president, so at this point, the NSA and I are basically on a first-name basis.
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
The
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
I name my characters after the last person who texted me. My friend Evan got his name given to a suicidal piss pumper who constructs a defective emotional support robot named Shitbot. Good ole Halley ended up as a middle school teacher tormented by a concerned parents association in “Bobby’s Comeback Tour; or Hammllet.” My buddy Hameed and I ended up in “Dab + Hammy + Hydra + Hydra = Vacation.”
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
It feels like so many writers who don’t want their narrators to be writers end up making them painters. I’m an exceptionally artsy person, and I only know THREE painters. That’s three more than the average person.
If their narrators aren’t painters, then the writers give their narrators a job they’ve researched too much instead one they’ve had. The $600 beret in your author photo already told everyone that you haven’t worked a real job, okay?
Answers like that and “Maria Hughes, Founding Agent of Maria’s Literally Literary Girl Boss Agency” are why I can’t get an agent.
Do your protagonists guide you toward the light, or sit on your shoulder whispering, ‘Kill the mentor, kill the mentor’?
My protagonists are mostly assholes so they’re usually telling me to kill myself, not my mentors. See: “Shitbot”.
Regarding suicide, reading “Shitbot” on Tumblr allegedly convinced a suicidal person not to kill themselves. Scroll to the comments. Shout out to the good people at Dodo Eraser for sharing it and saving a life.
After I told a friend about the above, he said, “Hey Shitbot did its job!” Its job being, of course, convincing the mega-depressed narrator to fight suicidal ideation by robbing oligarchs. Good job, Shitbot.
If your WIP characters were ghosts, would they help you find your keys or rearrange your furniture to match the mess in your head?
My characters would use my keys to snort coke and then rearrange my furniture so they could watch me fall on my ass.
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
Times New Roman. All the other ones look like they were created by a drunk, overworked orc.
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
Lifesaving necessity, for sure. I was once time traveling and was attacked by a chinchilla, mastodon and velociraptor. If I didn’t have my trusty Oxford comma, I’d have had both of my legs torn off by the dangerous spawn of a hairy elephant and a bipedal lizard. But because I was equipped with this trusty bit of punctuation, I survived this three-on-one fight with one leg intact. My glasses were scratched, though.
Plotter or Pantser? (Start with structure or fly by the seat of your pants writing)
I’m a pantser. I try to pants my partner at least three times a week. The local pervert with the telescope has requested that I pants my partner daily, but renegotiating a union contract is tough.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
My writing ritual is to sacrifice a virgin before I pick up my pen, but since moving to New York, virgins are in short supply, except in Murray Hill.
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
Egregious shouldn’t be seen in public with any qualifiers such as that two-timing gigolo “very.”
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Professional drug addict.
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
There’s an intentional typo in the last sentence of my novel, blue boy, so I’ll say dat wun.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
“Received” because that’s at least a circle of Hell. “In-progress” is a false purgatory full of moderates who can’t make up their minds and instead stick their heads in the sand.
What cartoon character best represents your ride or die? (Alternatively explain why ‘ride or die’ makes you go feral)
Donald F*ck.
I tried typing “Donald Duck”, but the above came out instead so I’m keeping it.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
Butterflies are da bomb. Geckos are insurance-peddling bastards.
What’s the last thing you researched that has probably put you on a government watchlist?
A New Hampshire man named “Dean DelleChiaie” sent a threatening email to the Prez. I decided to joke about that nominative similarity in my satire piece “I am not Dean DelleChiaie, Trump’s Email Assassin” so I’m def on more lists than I already was.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
Coffee makes me shit my brains out. Tea makes me fart in a British accent. Liquor makes me bitchy. So it’s a toss-up between my antagonists’ tears and gummy bears. I’m gonna go with gummy bears because they’re so cute!
My time travelling elf protagonist in “Mushroom Cloud – Noun” likes eating boysenberry muffins before she revises American History.
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
I’ve been accused of being a literary genocidal maniac. The ICC warrant is still pending so, in the meantime, I wear my darlings’ spilled blood with pride.
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
Comedic Terrorist Dan Dellechiaie—The Brains Behind Shitbot—Writes Silly Antifa Stories—And They’re Accidentally Saving Real Lives!
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
I write while walking, which scares other walkers. I used to write in a black notebook like a conspicuous serial killer. Now I write on my phone to look like a Zoomer zombie.
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
One word you’ve banned from your vocab because you’ve overused it?
I used to overuse “motherf*cker” as a verb, as in “Wow, they really motherf*cker’d it.”
‘Chaos Desk’ or ‘Aesthetic Nook’?
Chaos Desk, baby! Aesthetic Nooks need to be slimed.
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star review that says ‘It was fine’?
I’d prefer a 1-star review because my goal is to ruin normies’ lives.
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
I’m a f*cking exclamation point, motherf*cker!
The old title of blue boy was Oh F*ck You, William Blue! Will a publisher pick that up? Of-f*cking-course not. So I gave it a Fitzcarraldo Editions title.
Would you rather commit bookish blasphemy by dog-earring the pages of a rare first edition or reading the ending of every book before you start chapter one?
In my household, dog-earing my rare books is a capital offense—Off with your hand!—so I’ll go with the lesser transgression i.e. spoilers.
In a post-apocalyptic world, is your primary contribution navigating by the stars or knowing which snacks stay edible the longest?
I would know which snacks would be edible because I would eat them all at once. I’m gonna make it about thirty seconds after the collapse of civilisation. Might as well go out on a full tummy.
Who is your ultimate nemesis: the person who types ‘K’ as a full response or the person who leaves 1 second left on the microwave?
I used to have a microwave that would display the number 7 at 3:00AM and then screech-beep like it was being assaulted by C-3PO.
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
I am the walrus. Goo goo g’joob!
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
Society has failed regardless of pancakes being served at night. For all I care, you can sprinkle some meth on those hot cakes and wash them down with Everclear.
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
Copyediting. Literally no-one give an fuk anemore literallee.
DAN DELLECHIAIE – YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITER’S GAUNTLET!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Think you’ve got what it takes to ride The Writer’s Gauntlet? Email or (preferably) DM Sadie on IG @KayeSadie @TheHooghlyReview
Dan Dellechiaie is a comedic terrorist based in Brooklyn. His work has appeared in Dodo Eraser, Partially Shy Magazine, The Gotham Guillotine, and elsewhere. He also writes horror stories for drinking money, interviews bands for knifetwister records New York in exchange for Instagram likes, and chugs Narragansett because he enjoys the taste. He also “manages” the goth post-punk band Cellophane Kiss because why not?
You can read more of his scribbles at dadell.com.
You can also follow him on Instagram: @dan_dellechiaie
He has a dark comedy coming of age novel, blue boy, for sale. He wants a literary agent so he can prove his middle school teachers who said he’d amount to nothing wrong. Will you help a special needs kid’s dreams come true? No? F*ck you.
Sadie Kaye is a writer & performer from Sai Kung, Hong Kong. Her humour, fiction, rants & reviews have appeared in the South China Morning Post, Cha: An Asian Literary Journal, The Hooghly Review, Buzz & many anthologies. Her humour column for RTHK Radio 3, Sharp Pains, received nominations for Best Comedy from the New York Festivals Radio Awards and Moment of Comedy Gold from the International Women’s Podcast Awards in 2022 & 2023. She won the Comedy Women in Print Prize for Flash Fiction in 2024. She’s a producer for Contro Vento Films. Her most recent film, To Love A Narcissist, was released in North America on 19 May 2026 and will soon be available worldwide.
She can be found at https://sadiekaye.tv
Her life motto is you’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
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