ARIES: Everyone thinks you’re being overdramatic, but when an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’s overdramatic!
TAURUS: Due to the hardened scab, which has formed over your nihilistic psyche, you can only cry this month by chopping onions.
GEMINI: You’re alarmed when you notice that the whole world is shrinking, but you’re even more concerned by the fact you appear to be shrinking at exactly the same rate!
CANCER: Never stop pushing yourself. Some people say 8 hours of sleep is plenty. But why stop there? Strive for 9! Strive for 12! Strive for greatness!
LEO: You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Kim Jong-un.
VIRGO: A tall, dark, devilishly handsome stranger waltzes into your life, waltzes right past you, and continues waltzing.
LIBRA: Your friends will remark that you’ve hit a new low, even for you. Which is depressing, as they clearly haven’t listened to a single thing you’ve done.
SCORPIO: This month you fluctuate between four moods: I’m too old for this sh*t, I’m too tired for this sh*t, I’m too sober for this sh*t, and I don’t have time for this sh*t. Yep, your month is basically sh*t.
SAGITTARIUS: Your old solution isn’t going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.
CAPRICORN: Capricorn? You thought you were Capricorn? No, you’re Capri-Sun. You know, like the bagged drink? Full of sugar and additives…
AQUARIUS: Sunsets really are the best, aren’t they? MUCH better than sunrises, which happen way too early in the day to get drunk to.
PISCES: Your maternal instinct comes to the fore, when you find an injured baby boar in the country park, and take it home to feed your kids with.
If you found this story interesting why not support BUZZ with a donation so we can publish more? As the only daily news source in English for Sai Kung and the surrounding area, we’d like to cover more local stories, but need the resources to do so. Go to our donations page for more details.
Be the first to comment