ARIES: They say when a man is tired of Hong Kong, he’s tired of life, but for some reason, nobody’s set out exactly what it means when you’re tired of Mui Wo?
TAURUS: The coffee is free, but now you have to rent the tables.
GEMINI: Two heads are better than one. Lucky you, Gemini!
CANCER: This month you buy an adult coloring book, color it in, and then take it back to Bookazine, where the shop assistant gives you a lolly.
LEO: Most people envy babies for their innocent wonder at the world and their capacity for unconditional love, but for you, the fact they can poo anywhere they want is the real clincher.
VIRGO: Yoga Emma tells you your flexibility has come on in leaps and bounds, but reminds you that it’s weird to clean yourself like that, unless you’re a cat.
LIBRA: You impress at work when you introduce Sharky the hand puppet, who will be dealing with the latest round of restructuring and redundancies.
SCORPIO: Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say, “I’m afraid I’ve always had a rather sharp tongue.”
SAGITTARIUS: Much like in the movie 127 Hours, this week you’ll amputate your own right arm to save yourself from being trapped in the FCC bar on quiz night.
AQUARIUS: You will indeed live fairly fast, and die fairly young, but nobody will be able to say you left behind a good-looking corpse.
PISCES: You’ll come to in a Wan Chai brothel, stuck between a dead politician’s daughter and a duffle bag full of cash. But unfortunately, it’s all easily explained and cleared up within minutes.
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