The Writer’s Gauntlet with Sadie Kaye is a regular column at The Hooghly Review. This article is being reprinted with The Review’s permission.
SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
JH: It’ll take them time, that’s for sure. I think I have about fifty-three tabs open as of now. They might arrest me for that and that alone.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
Definitely precision-strike. I generally avoid metaphors. Bad ones are terrible. Stops the flow of the story for a reader.
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
Lepidopterophobia.
If your main character sued you for emotional distress and gross negligence, would you win the case or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
I don’t think I’ve ever written a happy ending before. Not that I don’t believe in them. I just find writing tortured characters much easier.
Would you rather delete your favorite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
Everyone was ejaculating in the 17th century. Just have to make it an exciting period piece.
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
I name all my male protagonists ‘Jim’, because it’s a great generic name. I try to have a name empty of all meaning. Pepper might be the closest one, but maybe that’s already too spicy.
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
Smart children. I don’t know where all these Matildas come from. Never had the opportunity to meet them in real life.
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
Georgia, because I’m a peach.
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
Commas are problematic in general. Perhaps English should adopt a separate mark for lists, as Chinese does. I vote for the + symbol.
Plotter or Pantser?
I never plot. Maybe that’s why I can never write a story longer than 3000 words. Huh, this is turning out to be a revelatory exercise.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
I write just before I go to sleep, with the belief that whatever I write must be good enough to keep me awake. Then I end up falling asleep.
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
Indifferent.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Wedding weepers. Gotta show how many people missed out.
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
First – to set the expectations.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
We should break the Submittable monopoly. Who cares about Google or Microsoft or Apple? We need an alternative platform for submissions that does not make money of the backs of small journals. Down with Submittable!
But definitely “received.” I’d like to think the fault is with the journal’s tardiness.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
I have crippling lepidopterophobia.
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
Solid and incredibly large. For visibility purposes.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
An old professor of mine, now passed, used to say when I offered him coffee: “I’m stimulated enough!” He would eat canned tuna with crackers for lunch.
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
I’ve had no qualms cutting my own work. I sometimes feel better after. Like a purge.
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
I get terrible allergies around old books. Chemicals please.
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
A voluptuous, kind-eyed, strong man close to your area.
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
I’ve invested in a backstrap for this specific question.
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
I’m an originalist when it comes to etymology. I believe as long as you’re breaking your fast, it’s breakfast. Turns out I break my fast approximately every 5 hours.
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
An ellipsis with an underwhelming period at the end….
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
JONATHAN HAN – YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITER’S GAUNTLET!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Jonathan Han was born in Tennessee and raised in Hong Kong. He writes book reviews for Cha: An Asian Literary Journal, Asian Review of Books, Asymptote, and Hong Kong Review of Books. He is currently working on a story about a swine-herder.
Substack: @jhantheman
Cha: https://chajournal.com/category/jonathan-han
Asian Review of Books: https://asianreviewofbooks.com/contributor/jonathan-han/
IG/Threads: @the_awful_gardener
FB: https://www.facebook.com/johnjohnhan
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