(Perth, Down Under, 3 April 2020) – Sai Kung’s historic golf society is “in limbo” with Captain and President-for-Life Mike Turner interned in Australia by the corona crisis. Fiercely competitive clashes by the Royal and Ancient Steamers Golf & Country Club are indefinitely postponed until he can escape the panic-stricken penal colony to resume organisation.
The multi-talented 40-year-old entrepreneur interior designer has thrown the entire future of the ‘Royal and Ancient’ into disarray by attending a family wedding in Perth.
But predictably, his visit was impeccably mistimed.
His Cathay Pacific flight turned out to be one of the last to the idyllic outback oasis, with return Hong Kong flights abruptly cancelled – as was the wedding.
Initially, Captain Mike over-confidently assumed he could escape by traversing Australia’s treacherous ‘Red Centre’ to civilisation in Sydney, where limited international flights still operate.
But with Perth now in “complete lockdown”, isolated from the outside world with Western Australia’s interstate borders sealed-off, his exit options are rapidly diminishing.
“To be honest, I have no idea when I can get out of here,” he said, miserably roaming the eerily-deserted streets of Perth in the misguided hope of finding an open pub.
“This is obviously tragic for the ‘Royal and Ancient’. I won’t lie to you – to be fair, the society can’t exist without me.” Now Sai Kung’s dejected golfers are left wondering if they will ever play their beloved ‘sport’ again.
“There’s only one Captain Mike, and without him our society is hopelessly in limbo,” said Cathay pilot Colin Dyson, a lifelong member and admirer. “We considered ‘borrowing’ the Kau Sai Chau ferry and sailing it to Australia to rescue our beloved leader. But we’re all fair weather Port Shelter sailors, to be honest, and who knows what tempests we could encounter en voyage? “I’ll even fly down and pick him up myself – if someone could lend me a plane?”
While understandably distraught in reluctant internment thousands of miles from anywhere, Captain Mike is characteristically pragmatic – cheerfully appreciating silver linings behind dark clouds of ominous uncertainty.
“For one thing, I’m not banned from driving here….um, no, don’t mention that in the article,” he said, accidentally.
“What I mean is, I’m allowed to drive here. But we’re only allowed out for two hours a day, driving only for essential provisions like beer and extortionately-priced cigarettes. So I can’t drive very far anyway.
“However, a big bonus is that I can finally and rightfully claim to be Australian!
“A lot of people cruelly dispute my adopted nationality – just because I born in Hong Kong and have only ventured ‘Down Under’ occasionally, namely for boarding school and a few brief holidays.
“But who’s laughing now? At last I’m a true-blue Aussie, mate!
“G’day, I’m actually living here – shoulder-to-shoulder with Oz through its greatest crisis since painfully repetitive massacres by England in The Ashes and Rugby World Cup!”
As Sai Kung’s downhearted golf community prays anxiously for his triumphant return, Captain Mike urges members to keep the faith and place their trust in his uncanny ability to survive even the direst of unfortunate circumstances.
“As my hero Arnold Schwarzenegger always says, I’ll be back!” he added. “I just don’t know when?”
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