Photo: Hong Kong Cats
Do you know what the worst thing about the internet is? Cats.
And I’m not even talking about the movie, which caused me to develop dreaded cat’s bum mouth after three hours of being repulsed in a cinema.
Every day, someone, somewhere, will send me a picture of a cat doing something ‘cute’. Like wearing a policeman’s helmet, or mewling into a trumpet, or making a cheese sandwich.
And I hate cats!
People often ask me, “Sadie, how come you don’t like cats? Are you allergic or something?”
To which I reply, “Yes. In a way, I am allergic to cats. Specifically, their highly visible pink buttholes.”
Usually, they stop trying to convince me then and leave. Because that’s what you get when you adopt a cat: a highly visible pink butthole that spends the whole day winking at you.
And I hate these adverts where people (cat people, normally) are adding sprigs of garnish to a plate of jellied boar testicles, and the cat looks up gratefully to thank them. You never see the next bit where it’s presenting its puckered hoop and you have to open a window because their food smells like death. Advertisers tend to miss that bit out, don’t
they?
Likewise, the box of grit that people (cat people, normally) KEEP IN THEIR KITCHEN! So that after you’ve fed it, you can prepare your own food, while the cat takes a quick dump AND THEN GOES OUTSIDE!!!
And the hairs? Eurgh! After they’ve brushed past your legs a few times, bingo! Suddenly, you’re wearing Ugg boots. And their owners will literally forgive them anything. ANYTHING!!!
If I dropped a half-eaten baby pigeon on your foot and then took a dump in your kitchen, we would probably have a falling out, wouldn’t we? But not cats, oooooooh nooooooo, they are exempt from reasonable behaviour because their eyes are pretty.
“He’s just brought me a little present!” “Is it still alive?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Then what’s that gurgling noise?”
“I’d better put it out of its misery.”
That’s not the sort of present anyone wants, is it? Having to mercy kill and bury another mammal? I’d rather book vouchers, thanks. Or maybe, for a really special present, you could put some pants on and learn to poo outside?
Sadie Kaye is a writer and RTHK presenter. She can currently be heard presenting Mental Ideas and performing her humour column on RTHK Radio 3’s 123 Show. She’s a regular humour columnist for Hong Kong Buzz and the SCMP and can be found at https://MissAdventureRTHK.com and https://sadiekaye.tv.
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