ARIES: You’ll be taken aback by news that the big-screen adaptation of your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a gritty homicide drama. As a result, you will no longer be played by Ryan Gosling. You will be played by Kirstie Alley in a fat suit and wig.
TAURUS: Only one major thing will happen to you this month. After that, it won’t really be possible for anything to happen to you again.
GEMINI: You’ll begin to suspect that your wife has taken other men, shortly after she opens a conversation with you by saying, “I’ve been thinking about taking other men.”
CANCER: This month, animals and small children love you, which is fortunate since non-lobotomized adults hate you.
LEO: Your marital status may change this month, either due to some pre-planned, marriage-type thingy, or possibly just a typo on a car insurance application.
VIRGO: After taxes, overheads, and legal fees, that multi-million-dollar idea you’ve been working on for years will end up costing you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
LIBRA: You’ll finally realize a dream you’ve had since childhood when a huge, scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you all up!
SCORPIO: This month, you are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Ocean Park.
SAGITTARIUS: You’ll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering any consequences, although they will eventually get you for tax evasion.
CAPRICORN: You won’t be absolutely certain that you like the changes in yourself, especially as you’ll appeal to a whole new group of people. Little people.
AQUARIUS: The stars say you’ll have a pretty decent month, but will forget to buy milk one Wednesday, and wear the wrong toupee for the weather every Saturday.
PISCES: You’ll get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly a lot more than a cad like you deserves.
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