ARIES: You discover that those who would have you choose hugs or drugs have set up a false dichotomy. You can actually have both at once!
TAURUS: Remember that yours is the most sensual of all the star signs and if your neighbors can’t handle you stood on your balcony rubbing margarine into your flaccid torso, while whimpering, that’s their problem.
GEMINI: This month, you are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal.
CANCER: It’s been a really negative time for Cancer over the last five years. Still, halfway there.
LEO: A car that transforms into a junk? Inspired idea! But since you’re on the seafront anyway, it’s worth pushing a few dozen in to see if it’s already been invented.
VIRGO: This month, you will dine out at Chez Raymond de Paris, eat chicken and complain it tastes of frog.
LIBRA: Things you hate. Vandalism. Irony. Lists.
SCORPIO: It’s time to tackle that difficult issue at work you’ve been avoiding – exactly how to kill the guy sat gaming at the Hive hotdesk next to yours and make it look like a tea accident.
SAGITTARIUS: You finally admit you have portion control issues when your Pepperoni’s delivery order requires two mopeds.
CAPRICORN: A typical month for Capricorn as you head-butt three shop assistants for not having the right hoof size.
AQUARIUS: Why is it only MEN who make sexist comments?
PISCES: A tough month for you as you’re sent to jail. But it’s only a game of Monopoly.
Be the first to comment